Allowing Myself to be Happy- The Struggle with Eating Disorders
An interview with Mari Parrott, a student at Southern Virginia University
What is one of your favorite childhood memories?
Growing up in an Army family, my siblings and I spent the majority of our time outdoors. I remember some days we would pack up bags with walkie-talkies, toy guns, and MREs (Army Meals Ready to Eat). We'd go climb trees and hide in the bushes all day, pretending we were soldiers or nature explorers. I loved those days.
Also, when I was very, very young, not more than three, my dad was still in graduate school. I remember every morning I would wake up early and he and I would have breakfast at the bar in our kitchen. We had this cereal that was bran flakes with cranberries; it was my favorite. Then he would head off to school. It was at that age that I recognized that college was my goal. I wanted to be like my dad and get a Masters degree, even though I didn't know what that was at the time.
Do you have a favorite book?
I'm a very avid reader (now that I'm in college I don't have as much time as I'd like for recreational reading) so usually I'm enjoying whatever book I'm reading at the time. Recently I've been listening to an audiobook, "My Age of Anxiety" by Scott Stossel.
However, my favorite book of all time has to be the classic, "A Tale of Two Cities" by Charles Dickens. I'm obsessed with the French Revolutionary period. The themes and ideas presented in this work are timeless; the human struggle between selfishness and selflessness is one that anyone can relate to. This book never ceases to enthrall me, no matter how many times I've read it. (Which, trust me, is a lot.)
What is your current life dream?
Currently, I want to graduate from undergrad, go on to pursue a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy (MMFT) and subsequently start my own psychotherapy practice specializing in child and adolescent therapy. I'm toying with the idea of getting a Ph.D in Psychology.
I would also like to get married and start a family at some point in the future. Definitely no hurry there. However, I look forward to having children and having a family of my own. Ultimately, my goal in life is to be happy and to bring happiness and comfort to those around me within my circle of influence.
You have used social media to open up about some of your personal struggles, including your experience with Eating Disorders. Do you mind sharing more with us?
Explaining the mentality of an eating disorder isn't an easy thing to do, and thus telling the story isn't either.
Up until recently, I always thought it was my experience as a classical ballet dancer that caused me to develop both Anorexia Nervosa and Binge-Eating Disorder (BED). However, through extensive research and soul-searching, I've discovered there were many events in my life that contributed to these disorders long before I started taking classical ballet.
I have always been a perfectionist, ever since I was very, very young. In addition to this, I struggled (and still struggle) with anxiety and depression. As a child, I had this idea that I could never be "good enough" and that I didn't "deserve" to be loved.
I actually went as far as telling my parents they couldn't love me because of how awful I was. I would get very upset with myself for making mistakes, to the point of physically hitting myself with my own fists. As I got older, these issues developed into a need for control, which is the basis for most eating disorders, especially anorexia. I struggled with self-confidence, always thinking I was fat, even though I have never truly been overweight. I started restricting my senior year of high school. After graduating and leaving dance, I lost myself and my way for approximately two years. This is when I developed BED. I smothered my feelings, stresses, and emotions with food. After gaining a significant amount of weight from this illness (becoming the heaviest I have ever been), I started restricting again. I wish I could say coming to college made it better. However, in the beginning, it only made my issues worse. My mother was no longer there to make sure I took in proper nutrition. I was on my own, and I took horrible advantage of that. My restricting got even more severe. One day, I blacked out in the middle of class. I woke up to the professor and a couple of athletic trainers standing over me, asking if I knew who and where I was. One of them asked when I had eaten last. It had been eighteen hours since my last meal, which had consisted of Diet Coke and sugar-free jello. They drove me back up to my dorm, made me eat something with my RA watching, and had her check in on me for the rest of the day. I tried eating more normally after that, but I fell back into the habits of restricting. My anxiety and body image were so, so bad at that point. I remember that Christmas break going home and making myself eat only 1000 calories a day, but only if I burned 700 or more exercising. These habits continued through the next spring semester, alternating with random days of binging. That summer was when I had my first breakthrough. I couldn't dance because of injuries, so I picked up weightlifting and running. I soon realized I had to properly fuel my body to make this lifestyle possible. I started eating more healthily, discovering that I suffer from wheat allergy. I significantly upped my calorie intake, while taking in good, healthy foods that would fuel my body properly.
Eating disorders are not a diet technique, they're not something someone chooses to have. I still have days, even now, when I struggle. Days when it's hard to convince myself to even eat a protein bar, or one meal. Anorexia can be most explained by the idea that there is a voice in the back of your head, constantly saying: "You're too fat. You're disgusting. Look at you, you're a huge failure. You can't do anything right. You'll never be good enough. You know why? Cause you're too fat. Maybe if you'd stop being a pig and stop eating, someone would like you. Or you'd finally do well in school. Maybe if you weren't so fat you could actually be happy." I still have that voice in my head. I have to fight it every single day. I still look in the mirror and I see someone who looks fat. People tell me I'm fit or skinny and I can't believe it. I don't see it. But I'm fighting to make my weight or my appearance just that. Irrelevant. Weight is just a number. Appearance doesn't really matter. What matters is how I feel about me. What I fuel my body to be capable of. What matters is being happy. Not because I didn't eat that day, but true happiness. The kind that comes with late nights with friends, long runs in the sunshine, the feeling of reaching a new personal record, dancing to music in my room, hugging my mom, baking (gluten-free) brownies, laughing, crying, and being able to feel the Spirit. God gave me this body, this soul, to take care of. And it's high time I do just that.
What do you wish "outsiders" understood? Are there myths or common misconceptions?
There are so many misconceptions about eating disorders. Unfortunately, like so many other medical issues, the only way someone can understand what it's truly like is to experience it first hand.
1. Eating disorders are not limited to the hospitalized/emaciated.
For instance, I was never hospitalized for my eating disorders. I never reached a point of being so thin that my condition was recognizable. Anyone of any race, ethnicity, religion, weight or gender can suffer from an eating disorder.
2. Eating disorders do not only affect women. Men are just as equally affected.
For some reason, eating disorders are seen as illnesses only plaguing women. So many men struggle with these same issues. There is no shame in that. Each person, male or female, deserves help and deserves to recover.
3. Eating disorders are NOT a dieting technique.
Once, I was having a conversation about the modeling industry with a classmate. During this conversation she said "Maybe I could move to New York and become anorexic for a while. You know, just to lose enough weight for modeling." Anorexia is NOT a diet. Anorexia is a medical condition, a disorder of the mind and body, that takes over a person's ability to function normally. This goes for any eating disorder. Those who genuinely suffer from eating disorders did not ask to have this problem. They did not choose to be this way. Eating disorders are never something to be taken lightly or joked about.
4. Eating disorders are not obvious.
People think that it's obvious to recognize someone with an eating disorder. As I said before, eating disorders are not limited to the very thin. (Never, never tease someone who is thin that they must be "anorexic." NEVER do it.) Those with eating disorders may not appear to have them. They get very good at hiding the evidence. If you believe someone you know may be suffering from an eating disorder, call the National Eating Disorder Association's hotline at 1-800-931-2237. They can most accurately advise you on how to proceed. EDs are a very delicate situation that must be handled with care and precision.
What advice would you give to those who are going through similar struggles?
I had to come to a point when I didn't want to just survive. I wanted to really live. I finally decided to leave my eating disorders in the dust and really start enjoying life. That decision is an individual one.
My biggest tip is seek for support. The internet is filled with resources, forums, and groups supporting ED recovery. Find friends who promote healthy habits and lifestyles. Get involved in something healthy. Learn to enjoy food. Learning to cook and really love it has been one of the biggest helps for me. And never, never, never give up. Even on the hardest days, tell yourself that you're not going to let this rule your life anymore. Recovery is possible. Make that decision, stand up for yourself. Allow yourself the room to be happy.
What has helped you on your journey?
As I've already touched on, my journey towards a healthier lifestyle has definitely helped. Being open about my struggles has actually been very therapeutic for me. Gives me a sense of responsibility to stay on the road to recovery. Practicing what I preach, so to speak. I've also done a lot of research on the topic of eating disorders. I've started recognizing and noting what are triggers for me and when I feel most likely to restrict. I try to catch these situations and behaviors before I get carried away.
Also, relying on the Gospel has been a huge help. I remind myself of the scripture in 1 Samuel 16:7 "..for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." If the most perfect being in the history of eternity created me, why should I doubt his creation? He took the time to create me just as I am. I strive to put my efforts into making my spirit truly beautiful, rather than my body. According the God, my body is already beautiful. He is most concerned with my spirit. If I trust in him and his goodness, all will be well.
What are your successes?
I've come a long way. Recovery is not a straight line. It's full of twists and turns and setbacks. But I live for those days when I want to restrict and I say "No, Mari. Your body needs fuel. Feed it."
I like that I now enjoy the feeling of a satisfied stomach.
That I'm learning to love my body, no matter what it looks like.
I'm learning that I don't need to be 5'9", 110 pounds to offer something to the world. I can run and hike and have energy to do the things I love.
My life still is far from perfect, but I'm learning.
And that in itself is a success.
Have you had any moments where you were able to help another person because of your life experiences?
Recently I've learned that my openness about my struggles with both EDs and anxiety have helped a lot more people than I was aware. My own mother recently overcame debilitating stage fright and performance anxiety, which she partially attributes to my willingness to face my problems and being open about my struggle. I've developed many friendships by opening that door to free expression, learning that so many people around me struggle with various problems and need someone to talk to. In the end, that's my goal in all of this. God has given me some very specific trials and problems thus far in my life. But I have faith that he has given me these issues so that I may use my experience to help those around me. That I can say, like Isaiah, that "he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted." (Isaiah 61:1)
